My envy is beginning to eat me alive, I can't shake it.i hate how competitive and jealous I get, it's very counter productive.is it arrogant or admirable to expect nothing less than greatness from myself? It used to be I want what they have but now I crave it. Not the money, not the fame, the respect is what I crave or maybe the validation. I haven't been sleeping much this week, I'm just frustrated and spinning my wheels, round hole square peg. It runs so deep I feel it in my bones, underachieving at such an astronomical degree.I'm better than this,or am I? Maybe in every universe every alternate reality of me I'm just a dude who tried really hard and got no where. I'm running out of ideas on how to promote the EP I'm running out of money and time.It's times like these I have to remember my readings and what they've taught me. In the words of my unintentional mentor and closest thing I ever had to a father figure "One can never obtain peace in the outer world until we obtain peace in ourselves." ~Dalai Lama
Since I've moved I haven't been able to mediate or empty my mind as much as I need so thoughts build up. I have to focus, hopelessness will get me no where. Apart from my eternal inner turmoil, I'm still moving the gears towards the release. I am what I am,my music is an extension of me.i will not defeat myself or become drunk with confidence and over compensate. I want to find that balance of being a professional musician while still retaining an ounce of artistic integrity. I have to calm down and remember I've only been here one month and have faith the EP will turn some heads to my project.
On a much happier note I have finally moved into a place at least until April. I can finally start playing my Korg SV-1, the love of my life. I've missed writing so much, I've had so much on my mind recently and no outlet, well besides this blog which for me has been a life saver. I appreciate anyone who has read all of my nonsense and I do hope sometime soon I have happier more interesting things to write about instead of struggling all the time. I'm trying to be realistic about my situation without losing hope which is a tough balance. Money owns me now though, I hate feeling like my music isn't successful just because I don't make money from it. Seems like it always the next project that's going to blow up. Use this project to lay the foundation then next time you'll get em tiger. I hate that, I won't give up on Schematics before it's even had a chance,even if no one else believes in it I do (which I know my opinion is bias since its my music). I put so much work into it and it was such a pivotal writing experience for me, I'm going to give it everything I've got. We are now one month and four days away from the release, I expect greatness from myself and Schematics will be held to the same standard. My only hope is the people who believe in it to help it spread.