Somedays I think being fine is worse than being depressed. Not Happy, Not sad, just fine. How many people live their entire lives in the realm of fine. The numbing repetition of life, the dull experience of just riding through it in the middle. It's strange how you can give up on what you really want and not even realize it. It's like your brain keeps feeding you the dream as a defense mechanism but you stop and realize there is no path towards it. I'm so tired of laughing at things that aren't funny, I'm tired of pretending to be interesting in things I'm not. I hate small talk so much. I find myself just diving inward more and more. I feel so disconnected from everyone around me and when people ask how I am all I can muster is "fine". music is the most important thing in my life yet I never want to speak about it. I don't want to be a social media influencer, I don't want to be a marketing expert, I don't want to make nonsense Tik Tok videos, I just want to make my music. I know this attitude will keep me poor forever but I just don't have it in me to become what I need to be to make money. unfortunately I don't think I'll ever be able to shake the side gig, this is life.
There is such a grey tint on the world. food is fine,sex is fine, travel is fine but accomplishment is the key to unlock a world of much more interesting hues. all of the pleasures in life only feel good if I feel I earned them from doing something that matters to me. I keep telling myself to go all in, sacrifice everything, do something stupid or outlandish. As much as I want to tell myself there is some golden platform awaiting me in the darkness if I just jump, I know that isn't true. quit my job give myself to my art but what haven't I tried at this point? I sit down to try and think of how to turn my music into more of a lifestyle and I just can't seem to find a path I haven't tried yet.
So I have to just love the creative process, that is truly the only option. I've been spending most of my time alone, reading and writing, trying to detach myself from the results of my actions and focus more on the actions themselves.I've said all of this before though. My loop continues to repeat and continues to frustrate me.I just can't seem to focus on being social or any other parts of my life until I break this loop. Hone in more on my day to day life, respect progress however small it may be. I get so caught in the big picture and just get mad at myself for not being where I want to be. I should be proud of the music I make but success is so results driven and it makes it hard to give myself credit.I'm still fighting though, things are fine.