4/16/2019 1 Comment
In the Shadow of the Leaves
do you ever feel you have a purpose? something that you are compelled to do for a reason you may not even understand fully understand. Accomplishment is the only feeling that has ever brought me a sliver of peace but it's never enough.Everyone around me seems to want to just go to work and drink away that one little voice in their heads that's actually making any sense. That voice is a scary one though, the one that tells you " none of this feels right" or that bit of emptiness that's felt right before sleep. When i was a kid, I used to watch other kids be so blissfully happy and wonder "why can't I just stop thinking so much and be like them".I still sometimes have that thought when I'm around my peers. All i wanted as a kid was to shut off my mind and just be happy. of course, most times with this problem, people turn to substance abuse but I was fortunate enough to see the dangers of that at a young age. I had sleeping problems my whole childhood and my thoughts became an anchor around my neck that I couldn't shake. It was maddening, having so much to say but just not knowing how to portray it or not knowing how to get others to understand how you feel. Reading and writing became the only ways I could take my mind off of things, so i avidly started reading.
I was at the library one day when I saw a small black book with red lettering laying next to some others called Hagakure( in the shadow of the leaves). I flipped to a random page in the book and read this paragraph ““There is surely nothing other than the single purpose of the present . A man's whole life is a succession of moment after moment. There will be nothing else to do, and nothing else to pursue. Live being true to the single purpose of the moment.” I was too young to really understand what it meant but I loved that i didn't understand, I had no idea how big of an impact this book would have on me. It was a collection of old stories and sayings about the code samurai used to live by. For the first time in my life, I realized a life of purpose and discipline was the only thing that could ever bring me peace. I'm not like the other kids, this burden is mine because I'm able to carry it. I vowed to never do drugs or drink alcohol, I started working out and getting my body in shape.It wasn't a feeling that i finally mattered, it was embracing that I don't matter and that's okay. I am an instrument of purpose and I can use my mind to influence this world in a positive way. The book also taught me extremely important life tools, meditation and complete and utter submergence into the current moment. Another major lesson I learned was unattachment, being too latched on is unhealthy, as all things must pass. I try to live with the constant reminder that I am only a fleeting gear in a machine much larger than myself.
How do you think of nothing? Even actively thinking about nothing in itself is defeating the purpose, it seemed like a conundrum.I struggled so hard with meditation, it took years and years for me to finally be able to lose myself. it may very well have been the best day of my life. I still to this day need the help of running water or a noise to focus on, which makes nothingness easier to achieve. you put your mind on the noise and you aren't thinking of anything you are just focused on the moment. I was always so worried about the future or dying or something awful that I wasn't able to touch the moments as they went by. It was only when I realized how small of a part I am of everything and how little I matter, that I could throw myself at my purpose with wreck less abandon.Live as though I am already dead, let go of fear and doubt. Of course, I'm human I have emotions,I get sad at times and lose sight of the epiphany i had all those years ago. Any time I'm feeling that way though, I pick up Hagakure and read back through and I always feel better. It is the oldest possession I own, I never travel without it and it's the only possession I truly cherish. I leave you with this another one of my favorite paragraphs "“If one is not unattached to life and death, he will be of no use whatsoever. The saying that “All abilities come from one mind” sounds as though it has to do with sentient matters, but it is in fact a matter of being unattached to life and death. With such non-attachment one can accomplish any feat.” I wont turn my back on the difficult thoughts or paths, I will embrace them and live inside of each moment unafraid of the next.
5/28/2022 12:14:59 am
Good reading this poost
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