The zen of endless yellow dotted lines, nestling my eyes in the little pocket of bluer darkness just before dawn, I find myself enjoying the lonely miles back out to Los Angeles. Hypnotized by the revolutions of the wheels, I instinctively move in the only direction left available, forward. I get so tired of answering why, sometimes I just want to do. Like a plant growing towards the sun, it doesn't understand why, it just does.I don't understand many of the things I do but I must do them. Charge at the horizon and fill my addiction of moments like those in that blueish darkness that calm my mind. encapsulate what I find there, find a way to share it, stop at nothing until I learn how to communicate that feeling. Think not of results or rewards, think only of doing. Focus myself on the act and detach myself from life or death, until I sink my toes in the sands of one precious moment to another.
Like a horseman of the apocalypse, anxiety rides in with the sun as it's mount. It brings with it doubts and questions that dilute resolve.Anxiety is a ring of fire, it cuts off the past and future and the only escape from it is to focus on the center. Be still in the current moment until the flames dissipate. The golden nugget at the center of consciousness is the present moment. As I age I find my self discovering those moments more and more.Most times I feel our subconscious is trying to protect us. and doesn't mean to bring the harm it sometimes does. My own subconscious does feels like an enemy sometimes, almost setting traps for me to fall into as it obviously knows what I fear. I feel the greatest human beings are ones who are able to turn off the part of the brain that asks why too much.
There's a thought I've been trying to articulate for years in music,writing and in this blog, the thought that we don't matter but that's okay. I haven't fully figured out how to articulate it so bear with me. we are not part of a grand scheme, we are beautifully emancipated from the burden of what you must do and are free to do what you want to do. Inconsequential specs in a painting we'll never be able to see the full scope of. I embrace that sentiment and it's so freeing for me. Scary things seem less scary and impossible feats seem worth a shot.
10/12/2022 08:28:00 am
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