I just grow weary of feeling like the fate of my music career is out of my hands. I want to take action, try something bold, keep fighting. I'm so so tired of submitting my songs to nameless faceless people who run blogs and playlists. I would honestly rather die out on the road making pennies than for my life to be run by the numbers next to my songs on Spotify. Social media is a necessary evil but I'd so much rather go play a room of ten people than have thousands on instagram followers. Even if it's a colossal failure and I lose tons of money, at least I took things in my own hands and got an experience out of it. I've never been afraid to fail, I more so worry that I'm not doing enough or there are more things I could be trying.I need some hope, some momentum and feel like the music I'm making actually matters. I want to feel like myself again. All of these industry people can make you feel like being yourself is wrong. I firmly believe that there is some sort of audience for art that comes from the right place inside of you, just have to find it.
I always seem to find myself looking at the sky and thinking "there has to be a better life out there for me somewhere". I have to catch myself often because I know how susceptible i am to escapism. I'm trying this time for it to be more healthy and realize that the problem is me, not the place i live. It's not one of my best qualities but I do think their are certain important elements of escapism that die when we become adults. Life is fucking boring and I just refuse to accept it. Money is the bloodline of life though and it is what traps us in routines and boxes. So i sat down recently and tried to think what actually makes me happy? Music and travel are legitimately the only things that make me happy(although Mediterranean food does bring fleeting happiness). Making money doing that is not impossible but real real close. I have saved up quite a bit of money this past year and written tons of music, so i feel this is a better time than any to try and go on tour. I'm relocating to Nashville for the time being but paying rent while going out to play these shows is another gigantic obstacle. I've considered recently not having a home base and putting all of the money i make back into keeping me on the road. A truly beautiful nomadic existence it would be but it could take years to even get to a point where I'm making enough money for that to happen.
Well I've always believed a bad plan is better than no plan and ones that are born from desperation are usually even worse. Promoting music online brings me no joy, its uninspiring and underwhelming. Playing live seems to be really the only option I have left. I could spend the rest of my life traveling playing small shows and scraping by and existence. I'm setting in motion a plan to do just that. I'm having to pay a company to book the shows the first time around with the hopes that I can make some connections and book shows in the future without having to pay a booking agent. The other problem I run into is that convincing others to come on tour with you takes money or at the very least shows that have high attendance. I can't promise either of those so I've been learning and practicing how to play my music alone. Now i have to learn covers and shit too probably but it is a necessary evil. Fuck it, I'll do whatever it takes.