The grey limbo between giving up and succeeding.

When you're a kid you have an idea of how your life will be. For a very small number of people it turns out that way but for the rest of us it does not. For most people,it's a fire that burns brightly throughout their 20's and then, reality hits. Most people accept what they must do and let their dream become something else. Let it become a hobby,start a family or put their efforts elsewhere.  What if that part of you wasn't able to die or change? It's like a knife in your chest, if you pull it out you'll die but to leave it in, it's immensely painful.  I am stuck with an impossible hunger that cannot be satiated. An deafening  alarm  that can't be turned off.  A riddle that can't be solved. ( I thought of lots more of these but I'll spare you.) I used to always say " Fuck it, I'll go down with the ship, i'll die with my love". That's poetic and a beautiful, bold statement but it's getting so hard to live up to. years and years and years of beating my head against the wall and spinning my wheels trying to get my music out there has taken a terrible toll on me. It's like all other doors in my life are shut until i get this one open,it's maddening. Some days it feels like a curse. I think, why couldn't I have been passionate about something that's actually fucking attainable. True passion chooses you, digs it's roots deep and becomes part of who you are.

Recently, I've been feverishly searching for something I might be able to do for money that I don't hate. As much as i would love for it to be music, I just don't believe there is an audience for the music I'm making. I'm stuck in a dark conundrum with music where it is the only thing that will ever bring me true happiness but until then just brings me crippling depression. At this point, failure would be an upgrade from nonexistence. If I had  large sample size of people who had heard my music and hated it, I would at lest sleep better at night knowing it had it's chance. with my music though, I make ll these songs that I release and then go to die on the internet. Of course, I cant ask for guidance in this because there is no clear cut answer. Every day I tell myself to chill out, just have fun making music again, try my best and if people dig it, then great. At the end of the day though I need to love making music again and just enjoy it.

I get so caught up in everyone who's doing better than me, self analyzing and trying to figure out what is wrong with my music. It suffocates all the creative energy out of me and I'll sit down in my studio and begin writing, when the thought of " Who cares" hits me. I'm so bad at promoting and have no clue how to make people care about my art. I go through highs and lows, I'm sure in a couple days time, I'll be back in fighting spirits. Maybe there is happiness inside of the struggle, if i could find that and learn to love the fight, maybe I would be more productive. The only answer to this impossible problem is to love the struggle, keep trying things, FIND A WAY. I’ll leave it on a quote from Hagakure “If you are slain, be sure your corpse faces the enemy."